Loving Me Softly With His Song
It was a Tuesday, a warm sunny Tuesday where I
struggled to keep one foot in front of the other, when I
first heard Taz. My hair was nonexistent, my body thin
and weak from the chemotherapy and my female psyche
bruised from the single mastectomy six months prior.
To add insult to injury, I'd received divorce papers that
morning. Guess it was a good thing. My ex--my heart
clutched as I recalled the memory--told me two months
after the mastectomy that he felt that I was 'damaged
good; not a whole woman'. So I'd struggled alone through the chemotherapy sessions which left me so drained I could barely slide into a cab. I needed something to lift my spirits. Thus, the walk.
The sound of the clarinet floated on the breeze,
melodious and haunting. I didn't know the song but it
tugged me towards its origin, needing to see what or who
was the source. The crowd was thick and I was too weak
to attempt to thrust through for a closer view. A kind
stranger seated in a sidewalk cafe saw my weakness and
offered me his chair. I slumped into it gratefully.
Three songs later, three glorious songs in which I was
elated and electrified by the soothing notes, the music
stopped. There was the requisite clapping and money
being dropped into metal as the crowd dispersed. I lifted
myself with effort and shuffled forward towards the
remaining epicenter of fans.
The man was turned away from me. I used this
opportunity to peruse him as I moved forward. Medium
height, medium build and dark, curling hair flowed over
his collar. His Hawaiian print shirt was worn pulled from
his waistband and hanging over ragged edged shorts.
Sandals adorned his feet. As he turned slightly, I saw the
dark skin and white teeth surrounded by a goatee.
His voice was in antithesis to his appearance. It was
rough, sandpaper rough, but his command of the English
language was perfect to my ears. I stopped four feet from
him and the person he was conversing with a blond
Barbie with the requisite boob job, Brazilian butt job and
sporting the latest spray on tan. I hated what the world
said she represented and my dark, half-breasted self didn't.
I looked on stoically as she pressed a business card
into his hand then lingered on his arm just a moment too
long for it to not be a proposition, before wiggling her
bought butt away.
He turned towards me, expectancy shining in his eyes.
I smiled and held out a weak hand. He strode forward and
shook it quickly.
"I'm Mahogany," I rasped from between chemotherapy
damaged vocal chords.
"Taz. A pleasure to make your acquaintance." His lips
split into a solicitous grin. I saw his eyes were gold,
hazel. . .something light but indefinable.
I took a deep breath. "Your music moved me
immeasurably. I don't remember ever hearing the
clarinet played in such a way. It's not jazz, R & B, pop or
even classical. More of a combination of different
styles--" I tried to gauge whether or not he was offended.
The smile was still there so I continued "--that defy
convention."
The smile became open mouth laughter. "I know. I do it
on purpose. It's my 'I am unique' statement to the world."
"Well I believe you have achieved that." I laughed with
him, happy to have met this unusual man.
Suddenly a wave of nausea and weakness rushed over me. I swayed. He caught me just as my knees buckled and my baseball
cap fell from my head. Unfortunately for him, my body
decided now was an appropriate time to discharge a bile-
tinted vomitus across our connected arms and his feet.
Surprisingly, he didn't push me away but strong arms
held me as I heaved over and over again.
Even though it was the illness, I was still embarrassed
beyond embarrassment at what had transpired. I lifted
chagrined eyes from the pavement and into his face.
There was concern but no negativity there.
"Use this."
I thought he'd offered me a napkin but it turned out to be
a handkerchief. I could barely remember the last time I'd
seen a man using a handkerchief. I claimed it gratefully
and wiped at the slimy train I'd created around my mouth
and our arms in silence. It was not sufficient and we both
knew it.
"Why don't we grab a seat at the cafe and I'll get some
wet napkins so we can do a better job?" He looked into
my eyes.
"Sure." The prospect of walking home sticky and
stinking to high cotton was definitely repulsive.
With efficient movements, he held me while plucking
up my cap and his clarinet case from the ground before
escorting me to a chair. He left after seating me but
returned in minutes with wet napkins and bottled water. I
used them gratefully on my face and arms while Taz
sloshed water over his feet. When we'd both finished our
ministrations, he sat back in his chair and gave a sly
smile.
Iv'e had a lot of women proposition me, but that one
takes the cake!"
"W--what?" I sputtered. Out of all the things I imagined
would come out of his mouth that statement was the
least expected.
"Just kidding." His face turned serious. "You're sick,
aren't you?"
I looked away and studied the other patrons in the cafe.
My condition was not something I discussed with
strangers. My pity party had only one guest--me. Nobody
else was invited.
"I'm fine," I finally answered. He nodded while studying my face closely. "Really, I am." I took a deep breath and gave a little smile in an attempt to appear healthier than I felt. He didn't bite and I could see the questions bubbling to the surface, ready to spew out
of his mouth.
Uh oh. Time to go.
"Hey, if you could just help me to a cab, I'll be going." I began the struggle to rise.
"No need for that. My ride is just around the corner,"
Taz supplied, rising also. "Sit tight and I'll be right back."
"You sure? A cab is fine," I replied.
"It's cool." He leaned towards me and I smelled his
woodsy aftershave. "What? You don't want to ride with
me?"
"It's not that. I just don't want to put you out." He was
still a stranger after all.
"I wouldn't have offered if I'd be put out. Cool?"
Sincere eyes bored into mine.
My eyes searched his for some sign of pity. Nothing. I
relented. "Cool."
I sipped on my bottle water as I awaited his return. It
wasn't a minute before the loud rumble of an engine
sounded behind me. Then his voice, "Your chariot awaits,
Madam."
I turned slowly and stopped. A red Harley Davidson sat
at the curb. Now riding on a motorcycle with a sexy man
had always been my dream but I wasn't sure that today
was the day to fulfill it. It must have showed on my face.
"I know what you are thinking but believe me, a ride on
a chopper will chase away any blues and illness while
uplifting your spirits."
He had me there. I had all the above plus some and
needed uplifting. I took his hand and walked toward the
two-wheeled thrill ride. As we reached the bike, he lifted
me onto the seat with no effort I could discern. Strength
beneath slimness came to mind.
I gave him the address, just two blocks up, but he took a circuitous route to the apartment. The wind blew cold and my skin chilled but
my spirits were definitely higher at the end of the ride.
With the same tenderness he'd exhibited before, he
helped me climb the stairs.
I turned as I retrieved the key from my belly pack. "Thank you. . .for everything."
"No problem." He stared, eyes searching deep behind
mine scanning my brain. "You sure you will be okay?"
"Fine. I'll be fine." I was alone and had to be fine
or...there was no other option. I put the key in the lock.
"Mahogany?" My name from his voice was a violin
along my spine. "Would you like to go out?"
With everything I'd been through, I wasn't ready just
yet. Besides, what did a one breasted woman have to
offer to his hunk of a man?
Regretfully, I said, "Thanks, but some other time."
He nodded again. I entered the apartment wanting and
wistfully playing the 'what if?' game in my head.
**********
You know how you tell yourself you don't want to do
something but find yourself doing it over and over again?
That was me to Taz's music. Anyway that's what I
attributed my constant walks to the plaza: To hear him
play.
His clarinet arrangements never failed to move my
soul from a negative to positive plane. I swear,
sometimes I felt dizzy from the high he left me on. Of
course, the walks always ended with another visit to the
cafe to chat before he left. We'd become fast friends. He
never again asked about my illness and I never revealed
it. Instead, we focused on other things in our lives.
Taz was the product of an African American mother and
a Malaysian father. His mother was a Peace Corp
volunteer working an agricultural project in Malaysia
when she fell in love with a native. They'd married there
but his father managed to get an educational visa to enter
the US. Amazingly, they were still together after thirty-
five years.
I was doing better. As my body strengthened, I spent
less time in self-pity parties and reentered 'life.' My
mastectomy scar had healed but I wasn't ready for
reconstructive surgery just yet.
Today, I was buoyed and a little sad. My hair had grown
into a little Afro which truly complimented my high
cheekbones and my hips had begun to fill out my jeans
as they use to. On the other hand, my year long
sabbatical from work had run its course and I was
expected back next week. That meant no more hearing
Taz since my job was halfway across town. By the time I
got off, he would be gone.
He spotted me as he finished his gig. I waved and
sipped on my tea while he gathered his gear and came
over.
"You're looking mighty delicious this afternoon,
Mahogany."
"Call me Delicious, then," I bantered back.
He wiggled his eyebrows before hugging me a little too
long. He gulped the water I'd brought and sat into his
chair. "So what have you been up to today?"
"Little of this, little of that." I winked.
"Girl, I don't know what it is about you right now but you
have me humming to myself." He rubbed his goatee.
"Is that so?" Am I flirting?
"Yes, it is." He leaned closer. "I'm glad you came today. I've got tickets to the Slam Dunk Expo they are having tonight and I would be honored if you would accompany me."
Maybe the flirting was a bad idea. Old doubts assailed
me. He seemed to like me but then again he didn't know
about my "condition." Knowing that, was it right to start
dating without coming clean?
"Hey, it's a yes or no question. It doesn't require all that
analysis, does it?" Taz chided me and I could see the hurt
in his eyes.
My mind was made up. "No it doesn't. Sure, let's go!"
"Be ready at six!"
I skipped home, scared and elated.
***********
He arrived promptly at six. I opened the door to a
bouquet of yellow roses on two legs.
"What is this?" I beamed. It had been a while since I'd
received flowers.
"This is our first 'official' date. I count all the ones we
had at the cafe but I wanted our first night out on the town
to be special."
I reached for the bouquet. Taz held it out but as I
grabbed it, he pulled me close and slammed his mouth
on mine. Soft lips enticed my teeth to part allowing his
minty tongue to flick and roll over mine. My heart rate
accelerated, toes curled and sweat broke on my
forehead. How long he held me enthralled by his tongue
skills is still unknown...but it was a while.
Finally, he lifted his head. I felt so weak from the
sensual assault my knees buckled. He dropped the
bouquet and caught me midfall. He lifted me upright,
grinning widely. "I see you are propositioning me again."
I swatted at his chest. "Am not! You kissed me...and it's
been a while, that's all." I looked behind him, my face
blushing in embarrassment.
"I see." His thumb traced along my lips. "You know,
the lips are one of the most sensuous parts of a woman.
They are sensitive enough to feel a hint of a whisper yet
strong enough to twist the metal cap off a bottle. Muscle
steel."
His lips touched the corner of my mouth before
skimming to my neck. They traced patterns my mind
couldn't follow before moving lower to my...chest!
"Wait!" I yelped and stepped backwards, eyes darting
all over the place.
"What is it? What's wrong?" Taz insisted, closing the
gap.
I was unfocused; nervous. Anxiety pulled at me. My
mind was everywhere and nowhere. I placed my hands
on his chest. "Maybe this was a bad idea. We're moving
too fast."
He lifted a hand, palm outward. âHold up, Mahogany.
Now we've been 'dating' unofficially for more than six
months. I think we've gotten to know each other pretty
well. How much slower can we go?"
"That's true...but I'm not ready for any more," I stated.
"Bullshit. You can make up anything you want but you
don't think of me as just a 'friend' or play brother...we
have something between us. You can't deny it."
I couldn't.
"Why won't you allow natural progression and let's see where this leads?" he pleaded. "Is it the illness you won't talk about?"
I guessed it was time to cross the bridge since we'd
managed to get there. I squeezed my eyes shut. "Yes," I
whispered.
"Baby, what was it? You're looking better so I know
you aren't dying on me." His eyes searched my face. "I
hope you can tell me."
You should have told him a long time ago. That way, he
could have hit the road if he wanted to months back, my
mind chided me.
Yeah, yeah. Anyway, here goes. I inhaled deeply and
began. "I had breast cancer." There, I said it. Taz nodded
but his expression didn't change. "When you first met
me, I was undergoing chemotherapy and was weak. That's why I vomited all over the place."
He tried to pull me to him but I stopped him with a hand
to the chest. "My husband left me because he said I was
'damaged goods.' The dagger sliced into my heart again
at the words.
He arched an eye. "That's what this is about? Your
mastectomy?" I nodded. âYour husband was a bastard. I'm
not him. I don't care about the mastectomy, I care that
you are well, mentally and physically, understand?" I
nodded again. "I don't see you as some booty call. I like
you. Honestly," he lifted my chin forcing me to look him
in the eyes. "I think I'm half in love with you. I would be
less than a man to judge you on something physical. It's
the whole package I'm after and baby, you seem to have
it all."
I felt tears gathering in my eyes.
"Ever since I met you, I've known you were special. I
wouldn't have sat and talked your ear off at the cafe
everyday if I didn't. You touched me as no one else ever
has."
We were both quiet.
"If you think we are going too fast, I understand. But let me say right now, it's not me that has a problem with us becoming an 'us' it is you."
God, he was right. My insecurities from the past were
haunting the present. How long had I allowed carelessly
tossed words to control my life? Too long. I was afraid
to allow anyone close. I didn't want to deal with the
reaction."
"Why don't you give me a chance and see what my
reaction will be?" Taz suggested. His tone was dead
serious. I closed my eyes. "I make mad slow love, baby.
As slow as you want," he whispered, pleaded, tugged
at my heart.
I was at war with myself. I wanted what he offered.
Needed that type of closeness again. It was there and I
didn't have the courage to grab it, but Taz did.
Warm lips trailed over my ear lobes, goatee scratched at my shoulder as he nuzzled my neck flesh. I shivered, hands fisted as the lips claimed the other ear lobe, tongue licked, breath warmed the canal.
Hands moved to the buttons, slowly opening them. I tried to relax, but felt my fears, my insecurities reaching towards the surface.
Taz read me. "I won't hurt you. Promise."
The shirt was opened. I felt the cool air, wanted to moan, scream, cry out in anxiety. Lips kissed across my collarbones, down the center of my chest.
The bra was unsnapped and removed. I kept my eyes focused on the wall; refused to meet Taz's.
He latched onto my healthy breast, lips tugging and pulling at my nipple. My toes curled as sensations swirled through my body. His lips move over, kissed the inner edge of the scar....the middle....the outer edge.
I held my breathe as his head rose.
"Baby, you are so beautiful."
With that statement, my body came alive faster than the Energizer Bunny. Toes curls, heart thumped, pelvis...rolled. Our passion was fierce, unrestricted, base in nature.
In the aftermath, hands continued to stroke, minds continued to remember and I became....whole once more.
Sidenote: Guy, I just lost most of this story when I tried to do my own site editing. LOL. So, the ending is different from the previous version. Hope you enjoyed.
Syd
